I constantly find myself questioning if I am in fact failing or succeeding in life. The anxiety ridden, perfectionist within me has no room for somewhere in the middle. I am either ruining my life one step at a time or I’m the most successful person I know. I’m in a constant state of evaluation that tells me where I’m at. I waiver back and forth almost daily, sometimes hourly. I ask myself these little questions that lead into a war within my own mind and pretty much go like this:
Did you pay all your bills on time?
Yes. Well look at you miss independent; you are completely rocking it. You’re a successful adult today.
Is someone further in their career than you?
What are you doing with your life? Have you completely lost it. You need to be further than you are; just look at everyone around you. They are so much more successful than you.
Have you been going to the gym lately?
Well look at that. You’re are really getting things together! You’ve lost 5 pounds and you are getting at least an hour of excercise at the gym. I mean, look at everyone else around you; you are doing so much better than them.
Are you somebody’s favorite person?
No. It’s so obvious that “Lily” likes “Danielle” more than you. You obviously have something wrong with your personality if she likes her more. What do you need to work on?
Did you get all of your paperwork done on time at work?
You were literally the only person to get all of your stuff done on time. You’re boss and the parents of the babies really noticied. They even commented on it. Look at how good of a teacher you are.
It seems so much more depressing when I write it all down. It’s always hard for me to actually tell people the way I feel because I am always laughing, having fun, and happy and I don’t know how people will react to my neurotic thought process. Yes, I am that happy, positive person; however, that is not the only part of me. I will always be an upbeat person by nature but sometimes I doubt myself. It’s an internal struggle that just never seems to go away. Looking back, it all pretty much revolves around the statement “look at everyone else.” Being the eldest child has made me strive for perfection and given me a sense that I need to be on top all of the time or I’m not succeeding in my life. I choose to evaluate myself like some sick form of self control that is set up in my self-conscious to repeatedly knock myself down. You know it would be criminal to just be satisified.
The older I’m getting and the more lessons I’m learning, the closer I get to help control my need for perfection. I know that I’m only 22 and have all the time in the world to figure out my life. I’m just slowly learning that no two people are exactly the same and everyone has to travel their own path. Paths are meant to twist and turn; if we were all parallel, nobody would ever make it to new destinations. We would all be stuck going the same direction with nothing to look forward to because everyone would already know what’s coming. So as I move through the next chapter in my life, I just hope that I can start to let my path take its own direction to where ever I’m meant to be.